How to Stop Worrying Whether or Not They Like You

How to Stop Worrying Whether or Not They Like You
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    One of the most acute questions we ask ourselves in relation to new friends and acquaintances
    is whether or not they like us. The question feels so significant because, depending on
    how we answer it in our minds, we will either take steps to deepen the friendship or, as
    is often the case, immediately make moves to withdraw from it so as to spare ourselves
    humiliation and embarrassment. But what is striking and sad is how essentially passive
    we are in relation to this enquiry. We assume that there is a more or less binary answer,
    that it is wholly in the remit of the other person to settle it – and that there is
    nothing much we could do to shift the verdict one way or the other. Either someone wants
    to be our friend – or they don't – and the answer, while it is about us, is essentially
    disconnected from any of our own initiatives. We are hereby failing to apply to other people
    a basic lesson we can appreciate well enough when we study the functioning of our own judgements:
    we often don't know what we think of other people. Our moods hover and sway. There are
    days when we can see the point of someone and others when their positive sides elude
    us entirely. But, and this is the key point, what usually helps us to decide what someone
    means to us is our sense of what we mean to them.
    The possibility of friendship between people
    therefore frequently hangs in the balance because both sides are privately waiting for
    a sign from the other one as to whether or not they are liked – before they dare to
    show (or even register) any enthusiasm of their own. Both sides proceed under the tacit
    assumption that there is some a priori verdict about their value that the other person will
    be developing in their mind which has no connection to how they themselves behave and is impervious
    to anything they say or do. Under pressure, we forget the fundamental malleability within
    the question of whether someone wants to be friends with us or not. Most of it depends
    on how we behave to them. If we have a little courage and can keep our deep suspicions of
    ourselves and our terror of their rejection of us at bay, we have every opportunity to
    turn the situation in our direction. We can dare to persuade them to see us in a positive
    light – chiefly by showing a great deal of evidence that we see them in a positive
    light. We can apply the full range of techniques of charm: we can remember small things about
    them, display an interest in what they have been up to, laugh at their witty moments and
    sympathise with them around their sorrows. Though our instinct is to be close to superstitious
    in our understanding of why people like us, we have to be extremely unlucky to land on
    people who genuinely show no interest in a friendship with us once we have carried out
    a full set of charming manoeuvres with any level of sincerity and basic tact.
    Friendships cannot develop until one side
    takes a risk of showing they are ready to like even when there's as yet no evidence
    that they are liked back. We have to realise that whether or not the other person likes
    us is going to depend on what we do, not – mystically – what we by nature 'are', and that
    we have the agency to do rather a lot of things. Even though we may initially get very few
    signs of their interest (they might be looking a little distracted and behaving in an off-hand
    way), we should assume that this is only a legacy of a restraint that springs from fear
    that they are not able to please – and that so long as we keep showing them warmth and
    encouragement to appease their self-suspicion, the barriers will eventually come down. It
    is sad enough when two people dislike each other. It is even sadder when two people fail
    to connect because both parties defensively but falsely guess that the other doesn't
    like them – and yet, out of low self-worth, don't take any risk whatever to alter the
    situation. We should stop worrying quite so much whether or not people like us, and do
    that far more interesting and socially-useful move: concentrate on showing that we like
    them.
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    I am so excited to share my perfect vegan holiday meal with you. Since Thanksgiving is right around the corner, here are some simple, delicious plant-based recipes to see you through the holidays. These recipes are so great, even a meat-eater will love them! The most important thing I can tell you is: you do not have to be unhealthy during the holidays. There are plenty of tricks to keep even your favorite recipes "healthy," if you prepare! So take a look at the video above, and get ready for some amazing recipes below. Now, this is a long video, so I've tried to indicate below when in the video I'm covering each dish 00:24 - Vegan mashed potatoes 05:39 - Field Roast 07:11 - Vegan mushroom gravy 17:21 - Roasted veggies 20:24 - Low-sugar cranberry sauce 24:10 - English peas (I know, I'm British) Super important: Great cookware is the secret to ANY holiday meal. I'm using 360 Cookware by Americraft, because it is the safest, fastest, easiest cookware I've found to date. Here are some links for great 360 Cookware Deals: - 360 Cookware is offering my audience an amazing deal on their 1-quart saucepan. $49.99 (regularly $149.00) // http://bit.ly/2DZGYam - Here's another amazing deal on their 3-quart saucepan. $99.00 (reg. $199.00) // http://bit.ly/2DDqiV1 - For all other 360 Cookware products, here's a link // http://bit.ly/2JUt2AY Field Roast Celebration Roast // http://bit.ly/2zPPeEC Don't forget you can adopt a turkey via Farm Sanctuary // http://bit.ly/2RPWyaD Gardein Holiday Roasts // http://bit.ly/2QG5IX7 MUSHROOM GRAVY RECIPE Ingredients - 8 ounces of brown mushrooms, roughly chopped - A handful of dried mushrooms (optional) - soaked in warm water for an hour, then chopped - 1 tbsp neutral cooking oil or 2-3 tbsp veggie broth - 1 small onion, diced - 3 cloves garlic, minced - 2 tbsp sherry - 4 tbsp all-purpose flour - 2-3 cups of veggie broth (depending on how thick you want your gravy + 1 cup of water from soaked mushrooms (if using) - 2 tsp vegan Worcestershire Sauce - 1 tsp aged Balsamic vinegar (optional) - Ground black pepper and sea salt to taste Directions - Heat the oil or broth in a saucepan - Add onions and fry off until soft. - Add garlic and fry for another minute. - Add sherry - Add mushrooms. Add a little veggie broth if it feels to dry. Fry for about 3 minutes or until mushrooms are cooked through. - Stir in the flour and make sure it's well combined - Add the broth and the remaining ingredients. - Bring to the boil and then turn down heat so that gravy is simmering. Simmer for about 10-15 minutes. - Transfer to a blender and blend until desired consistency. VEGAN MASHED POTATOES Ingredients - 2 large Russet potatoes or 4 large Yukon gold (Yukon gold are better if you can get them because they are waxier, so make for a richer texture) - 1.5 cups of cauliflower florets - 1 tbsp vegan spread (I like Earth Balance) - Salt and pepper to taste. Directions - Boil your potatoes and florets until fork tender - Add your vegan spread, and either mash or blend, depending on your texture preference - Season with salt and pepper to taste LOW SUGAR CRANBERRY SAUCE Ingredients - 8 ounces of fresh, organic cranberries (picked over) - ½ cup water - 1 tbsp orange zest - ¼ - ½ cup Maple syrup or 1 tbsp of Erythritol // https://amzn.to/2B30W0b #veganthanksgiving #veganholiday #veganrecipes
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    🎄Join 12 of your favorite MC authors bring you an inside look at how Christmas is done at their Clubhouse. ALL proceeds from this release will benefit Toys for Tots.🎄 Release Day: November 23rd ADEN LOWE AVELYN PAIGE COLBIE KAY DM EARL EMILY MINTON GERI GLENN JC EMERY KATHLEEN KELLY KE OSBORN KERRI ANN MARIALISA DEMORA SHELLEY SPRINGFIELD 🚨PLEASE NOTE - Christmas at the Clubhouse will be live on all platforms for 7 days, before moving to Kindle Unlimited, so get your preorders in🚨 ➡️ Preorder: https://www.books2read.com/u/md0QG5 ➡️ Receive Release Email: https://www.subscribepage.com/christmasattheclubhouse ➡️ Goodreads: http://tiny.cc/wjekyy 🚨Bloggers 🚨 We would love it if you could participate in our release blitz! There will be an opportunity to review as well! ➡️ Sign up here: https://goo.gl/forms/HoLeGs7WqCTlegJB2
    "Skin in the game" is phrase that is so quintessentially American, that I had never heard it before coming to live in the US. I love that phrase. When I first heard it, I had an image in my mind's eye of the sort of grazed knee I'd get when I was a kid. I was a tomboy, always getting bashed around, losing layers of skin from my knees, elbows, the side of my face or my chin. That's because I was in the game. If you're in the game, you can get skinned – that's how I saw it. So let me say this – when it comes to living in California and there's a fire risk, we've all got skin in the game, because like everyone else here, it could happen to any one of us. I'm not simply heartsick at the news of death and destruction across this state, and filled with sadness at the loss of life, and the loss of homes – for a house is our place of belonging, our cocoon, our lair – but having skin in the game has taken me further into understanding fire and fire prevention. I recently wrote a long article for Womankind magazine (a quarterly journal) about women who have gone to the edge in the elements, and for that I interviewed a woman working in a senior position at the very sharp end of wildfire prevention. Such was my interest in the subject, that I have taken it further, and I will be contributing a non-fiction story on women working in fire to an anthology due for publication next year. I've been talking to a lot of people about fire, fire ecology and how environments respond to fire - people immersed in fire fighting and fire prevention. For many, understanding fire and protecting communities from fire is their life's work. In fact, since embarking upon the project, I can tell by the way my friends' eyes glaze over when we meet, that I have become a fire bore. With regard to the current fires, plenty of people will be opining about what went wrong and what didn't, and who should have done what - and most of those talking heads will have only a smattering of the knowledge one needs to engage in such commentary. But here's something very simple that so many of the real experts have imparted to me, and I think we who live in fire-vulnerable areas know this - not only is year-round fire risk the new normal for the western states, but we have to reconsider our 21st century detachment from fire. When it comes to fire, so many of us are a bit like kids who haven't worked out the connection between a living animal and the food they see film-wrapped in Safeway. Fire is a life-giving force. Our very existence is dependent upon a massive ball of fire in the sky that we orbit every 24 hours. It is a naturally occurring phenomenon, power companies and pyromaniacs notwithstanding. In times of old people understood fire – indeed, native tribes in the Americas practiced prescriptive burning, or using fire to prevent fire. And it was the women who were in charge, because women used plants in healing so they understood the behavior of wood, grass and foliage in fire. We have become so used to other people protecting us that we continue to build houses in fire-vulnerable areas, even now, when we know better. Last year I was talking to a friend in Ojai, California - where flames over 100ft high had moved across the land at an acre per second in the Thomas Fire - and she recounted a conversation she'd had with another woman, someone she knew who had built a house in the hills just a few years earlier, even though she knew it was an at-risk area. Mind you, she got the view she wanted. The woman smiled when she proudly recounted that, "It took seventy five firemen to save my house." My friend tried to hold her tongue, but replied, "That's seventy-five lives that would never have been at risk had you given more thought to where you'd build a house." It reminded me of those myths that taught us that mountaintops were the domain of the gods, and woe betide mere mortals venturing to build a temple there. Now let me tell you about my dressage trainer, Rebecca Cushman. She's often on call in these emergency situations, because she knows how to handle large animals and she has a 4-horse trailer. Last year during the Santa Rosa fire, Becky worked 24/7 for days, often under police escort, driving into terrifying fire zones to bring out horses, cattle, yaks, and whatever other animals needed saving, and then taking them to designated shelters. We all chipped in to donate feed for the animals rescued. Yesterday she emailed her gang – we who are fortunate to train with her – asking us to pony up again, because she planned to take a full load of feed up to the Butte County animal shelters. Needless to say, we didn't hesitate to respond. I cannot tell you how proud I was to know her, when she pulled out of the ranch today with her trailer, ready to fill it to the rafters with feed, and when it was unloaded at the end of her journey, to help rescue more animals. There are hundreds of people volunteering in similar ways, people coming together to help others in what is effectively a war zone. Now that's really having skin in the game. And perhaps I should add that Becky also lost her house in the Santa Rosa fire. And before I close this post, I want to thank you all so much for your heartfelt comments in response to my post on the 100th anniversary of the 1918 Armistice that brought an end to the Great War. Thank you for coming to this page and reading my posts. I know I go on a bit!
    While sorting some old documents on my laptop, I found this short piece I had written in 2012. That was the time when I finished my term as the Chairperson of the Children's Film Society and had begun researching on Manto, a film I wanted to make. Thought of sharing my thoughts, written on Nov 14th, 6 years ago. While the writing itself might be dated, sadly the content and how I felt then, haven't. Our Children In India, 14thNovember, the Children's Day, is celebrated far more widely than 20thNovember, the Universal Children's Day declared by the United Nations. On this annual ritual, we never fail to proclaim how important children are to the world and to our lives. But the gap between public rhetoric and the ground reality is shockingly big. The numbers are truly appalling - according to aUN report 'in 2011 more children under the age of five died in India than anywhere else in the world - that is 1.7 million children in a year! The study estimates, for every 1,000 children born in India, 61 are unlikely to make it to their fifth birthday. This is higher than, say, in Rwanda (54 child deaths) or in India's poorer neighbours like Nepal (48 child deaths) or Cambodia (43 child deaths). And the figures for the girl child are even more disheartening, because of the obsession with having sons, the breadwinners of the family! One day while cleaning up some of my pregnancy medical papers, I remembered how my husband and I wanted a daughter. Wonder why there was a preference at all? Was it the collective guilt that was subconsciously playing out? The challenge and fulfillment of raising a daughter who can have all the freedom despite the societal mindset is no less than that of raising a son who will be sensitive to all beings without any discrimination, in a world so full of it. But I do hope I don't burden him with this, and can gently expose him to the beauty of equality. Then there is the obvious paradox of India's emergence as a significant part of the world economy, it's vaunted middle class and prospects of future growth, all of which co-exist with an abysmal state of health and education of its children. While the public policy and its implementation failure needs to be held accountable, as civic society how we respond to issues that children face all around us, is the true test of how sensitive we are? We, the affluent educated class, don't spend our time and money towards volunteering and donating to charities to even make a dent in the system. I became a mother a little over 2 years ago and I am so enjoying nurturing my child with not only the best food and nutrition I can provide, but also trying to do my best to ensure he is also emotionally and psychologically healthy. But as I micro-manage his little world, I am also becoming more and more mindful of all that hundreds of millions of children are not getting an opportunity to experience. In a country of vast disparities, where undeserving kids in front of the line push away others through influence (monetary or social), is detrimental to any attempt at a just society. What is our personal responsibility to children who are not ours? My privileges stare me in the face and are a constant reminder to look at all those little children who are growing with such neglect and such apathy. Many more Novembers will come and go, and so will our children, unless we do something drastic to hasten the process of true development that primarily reflects in how we take care of our children.
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