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How to Buy a Mountain Bike

How to Buy a Mountain Bike
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    - [Narrator] Look at you.
    You're a mediocre sack of garbage
    that's stuck in a dead-end job
    with nothing in life to make you happy.
    Even the bird thinks you're a loser.
    (bird squeaking)
    It's time for a change.
    Go outside.
    See those kids?
    They're having the time of their lives riding their bikes.
    They know what's up.
    You'll never be as fun as those kids.
    Unless you bought a mountain bike.
    Go to the store and listen to a guy
    who has no idea what he's talking about
    try to sell you a bike.
    Pick a bike and buy it.
    Gear up and head out to your local trails.
    It's time to ride your brand new bike.
    (bike thwacks)
    (groaning)
    Realize that not all bikes and bike stores are the same.
    Try again.
    This time do research.
    Visit a bike shop and talk to the employees.
    They know bikes.
    Buy a second bike, go for another ride.
    This time, your bike doesn't fold in half.
    Build fitness on the climbs
    and confidence on the descents.
    Ride what you can and don't stress what you can't.
    It'll get easier.
    You feel better already, don't you?
    Until you start noticing
    that no one else rides in a t-shirt and khaki shorts.
    Time to get kitted.
    So kitted.
    (bass-heavy hip hop music)
    Start using sick words like shred and gnar.
    Keep riding, get passed on the climbs and the descents.
    The desire to be better grows inside of you.
    Become obsessed with your bike.
    Fixate over specs, head angles,
    and weird things like tire durometers.
    Then realize you'll need a second job
    to support your addiction.
    (clears throat) I mean, passion?
    (lawnmower whirs)
    Buy a bike for the third time.
    This one has more features, more shocks,
    and the seat post goes up and down.
    - Sweet.
    - [Narrator] It's no longer just riding.
    It's shredding.
    Hit jumps, smash roots, send drops
    and learn a trick.
    Nice.
    It's more than just a hobby now.
    It's a lifestyle.
    One day you tell your co-workers
    about all the rides you've been going on
    and how hard you're shredding.
    They aren't listening.
    Well,
    one is.
    Her name is Jess and she rides too.
    She asks, "Want to go for a ride sometime?"
    And you say,
    "Shit yeah!"
    It turns out Jess is good.
    Like, really good.
    She schools you on the climb up and the whole way down.
    You can't even walk down what she's riding.
    You make it to the bottom, but you're exhausted.
    She's been waiting for 30 minutes
    but says that was a lot of fun.
    She says you guys should do it again sometime.
    You agree, even though she crushed you.
    But that doesn't bother you, until later that day.
    (wailing)
    (bass-heavy hip hop music)
    Start riding every day after work.
    Find local groups and go on rides with riders
    that will help you step your game up.
    Become a better rider just by trying to keep up.
    (bass-heavy hip hip music)
    Start noticing other bikes,
    like that downhill bike,
    and that cross country bike.
    Road biking could be fun.
    Settle on a dirt jumper and go find some jumps
    to practice your tricks.
    That looks a lot harder than you thought.
    He's really high up, that looks awfully dangerous.
    Nope.
    Ride more, climb higher, jump farther,
    and go faster than you ever thought you could.
    Take care of and upgrade your bike.
    Buy tools, buy parts, buy more tools to install the parts.
    Spend hours deciding on your next bike.
    Discover your dream bike, and carbon.
    Your addiction gets worse.
    You spend less time at work doing work
    and more time looking at bikes.
    Ride more trails, mow more lawns.
    More trails, more lawns.
    Trails, lawns.
    Buy your dream bike.
    Take some friends and go farther and higher
    than you ever have before.
    Let your bike take you places
    most people don't even know exist.
    Go on another date.
    This time, you can actually keep up.
    No apologies, no excuses.
    This is much better.
    This time, she only beats you by five minutes.
    You're both stoked, you high five,
    she can't believe how much better you've gotten.
    Good on you, mate.
    One day, you see a press release for a brand new bike.
    It's like yours, but 15% lighter,
    35% stiffer, and it's red.
    It also costs a lot more lawns
    than the bike you just bought.
    Go out for a ride to get over it.
    Realize how much better you've gotten
    and how much joy riding has brought to your life.
    It's not about the bikes you ride,
    it's about the rides your bike takes you on.
    (air hisses)
    Well, maybe not this ride.
    ("I Got The Juice" by Dream Junkies)
    ♪ Mother lover you gon' love this ♪
    ♪ Graduated from a rebel to a revolutionary ♪
    ♪ In my area they love this ♪
    ♪ I'mma wreck it ♪
    ♪ Like I'm revving the engine ♪
    ♪ Heaven's ascension ♪
    ♪ Every dimension give me attention ♪
    ♪ Look at my soul ♪
    ♪ Look at my heart ♪
    ♪ Look at my hope ♪
    ♪ Got the world on my back ♪
    ♪ But I carry it though ♪
    ♪ Tell them God got my hand ♪
    ♪ I ain't letting it go ♪
    ♪ I I I came from the side of the ocean ♪
    ♪ Swam with the best of 'em ♪
    ♪ I can't deny I was chosen ♪
    ♪ Yeah it's the miggity mack ♪
    ♪ Milking the mic ♪
    ♪ I don't think I'm giving it back ♪
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