How to Murder Your Husband, National Day of Encouragement - Monologue

How to Murder Your Husband, National Day of Encouragement - Monologue
    Watch the video

    click to begin

    Youtube

    -Let's get to the news.
    President Trump today repeated his claim
    that Hurricane relief in Puerto Rico was a success,
    tweeting that they "did an unappreciated great job
    in Puerto Rico,
    even though an inaccessible island
    with very poor electricity
    and a totally incompetent mayor of San Juan."
    [ Light laughter and groans ]
    It was so offensive that Hurricane Florence turned north.
    [ Laughter ]
    [ Tires screeching ]
    [ Laughter and applause ]
    Donald...
    [ Applause continues ]
    Donald Trump Jr. said in an interview yesterday
    that he is not worried about going to jail
    as a result
    of Special Counsel Mueller's investigation.
    Yeah, jail's nothing to worry about.
    On your first day there,
    just walk up to the biggest guy in the yard and say,
    "Hey, Dad."
    [ Laughter and applause ]
    [ Cheers and applause ]
    [ Applause continues ]
    A former Trump Organization executive today claimed
    that President Trump tried
    to have Braille removed from elevators in Trump Tower,
    because, quote,
    "No blind people are going to live in Trump Tower."
    [ Audience ohs ] Really?
    'Cause I thought those apartments
    were designed specifically to appeal to blind people.
    [ Laughter and applause ]
    [ Cheers and applause ]
    [ Applause continues ]
    That's right -- President Trump tried to have Braille removed
    from the elevators in Trump Tower,
    because, quote,
    "No blind people are going to live in Trump Tower."
    Wait a minute.
    Melania's not blind?
    [ Laughter ]
    [ Cheers and applause ]
    [ Cheers and applause continue ]
    [ Applause continues ]
    [ Applause fades ]
    I mean, she could read the jacket, too.
    [ Laughter ]
    [ Audience ohs ]
    According to a new poll,
    11% of Americans say they view President Trump as very liberal.
    I assume they meant with his makeup?
    [ Laughter ]
    [ Scattered applause ]
    An Oregon romance novelist who published an essay titled
    "How to Murder Your Husband"
    was arrested yesterday
    for the alleged murder of her husband.
    [ Laughter and applause ]
    But that's just...
    [ Applause continues ]
    What -- [Chuckling] What are you applauding?
    [ Laughter ]
    I just told you a piece of news...
    [ Laughter ] ...that ended with a murder,
    and you love the irony so much, you applaud it.
    Anyway, let's see if a punch line works now.
    [ Light laughter ]
    But her lawyer is more concerned about her other essay,
    "How to Poison Your Lawyer."
    [ Laughter ]
    There we go. [ Applause ]
    New York this month will host
    its second annual Miss Subways pageant,
    where contestants profess their love
    for the city's mass transit.
    Well, it's scheduled for this month,
    but the pageant will get actually get here
    sometime in November. [ Light laughter ]
    [ Applause ] Today...
    [ Cheers and applause ] Mm.
    [ Applause continues ]
    Today was the National Day of Encouragement.
    So, come on, buddy, you can do it!
    [ Laughter ]
    [ Cheers and applause ]
    [ Cheers and applause continue ]
    [ Applause continues ]
    NASA is currently investigating the possibility
    of allowing corporations to place sponsorships on rockets.
    "Am I getting paid extra for this?"
    asked Flo from Progressive. [ Laughter ]
    -Let's get to the news.
    President Trump today repeated his claim
    that Hurricane relief in Puerto Rico was a success,
    tweeting that they "did an unappreciated great job
    in Puerto Rico,
    even though an inaccessible island
    with very poor electricity
    and a totally incompetent mayor of San Juan."
    [ Light laughter and groans ]
    It was so offensive that Hurricane Florence turned north.
    [ Laughter ]
    [ Tires screeching ]
    [ Laughter and applause ]
    Donald...
    [ Applause continues ]
    Donald Trump Jr. said in an interview yesterday
    that he is not worried about going to jail
    as a result
    of Special Counsel Mueller's investigation.
    Yeah, jail's nothing to worry about.
    On your first day there,
    just walk up to the biggest guy in the yard and say,
    "Hey, Dad."
    [ Laughter and applause ]
    [ Cheers and applause ]
    [ Applause continues ]
    A former Trump Organization executive today claimed
    that President Trump tried
    to have Braille removed from elevators in Trump Tower,
    because, quote,
    "No blind people are going to live in Trump Tower."
    [ Audience ohs ] Really?
    'Cause I thought those apartments
    were designed specifically to appeal to blind people.
    [ Laughter and applause ]
    [ Cheers and applause ]
    [ Applause continues ]
    That's right -- President Trump tried to have Braille removed
    from the elevators in Trump Tower,
    because, quote,
    "No blind people are going to live in Trump Tower."
    Wait a minute.
    Melania's not blind?
    [ Laughter ]
    [ Cheers and applause ]
    [ Cheers and applause continue ]
    [ Applause continues ]
    [ Applause fades ]
    I mean, she could read the jacket, too.
    [ Laughter ]
    [ Audience ohs ]
    According to a new poll,
    11% of Americans say they view President Trump as very liberal.
    I assume they meant with his makeup?
    [ Laughter ]
    [ Scattered applause ]
    An Oregon romance novelist who published an essay titled
    "How to Murder Your Husband"
    was arrested yesterday
    for the alleged murder of her husband.
    [ Laughter and applause ]
    But that's just...
    [ Applause continues ]
    What -- [Chuckling] What are you applauding?
    [ Laughter ]
    I just told you a piece of news...
    [ Laughter ] ...that ended with a murder,
    and you love the irony so much, you applaud it.
    Anyway, let's see if a punch line works now.
    [ Light laughter ]
    But her lawyer is more concerned about her other essay,
    "How to Poison Your Lawyer."
    [ Laughter ]
    There we go. [ Applause ]
    New York this month will host
    its second annual Miss Subways pageant,
    where contestants profess their love
    for the city's mass transit.
    Well, it's scheduled for this month,
    but the pageant will get actually get here
    sometime in November. [ Light laughter ]
    [ Applause ] Today...
    [ Cheers and applause ] Mm.
    [ Applause continues ]
    Today was the National Day of Encouragement.
    So, come on, buddy, you can do it!
    [ Laughter ]
    [ Cheers and applause ]
    [ Cheers and applause continue ]
    [ Applause continues ]
    NASA is currently investigating the possibility
    of allowing corporations to place sponsorships on rockets.
    "Am I getting paid extra for this?"
    asked Flo from Progressive. [ Laughter ]
    Maya Rudolph Reveals the Bet Seth Made About Paris Hilton Trump Calls Puerto Rico Response "An Unappreciated Great Job": A Closer Look 10 Most Unbelievable Gold Diggers Will Ferrell Hilarious Acceptance Speech At The Mark Twain Comedy Award 2011 Psychopaths (Crime Psychology Documentary) - Real Stories 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown S5EE5 How big of a deal is this knee surgery for Russell Weatbrook? | FRIST THINGS FIRST 9/13/2018 Risk Takers - 112 - Killer Bee Removal Expert | FULL LENGTH | MagellanTV Anna Kendrick Thinks Mommy Bloggers Are Creepy Golden Globes 2015 - Opening Monologue