Toasted Tomato Sandwich - You Suck at Cooking (episode 79)

Toasted Tomato Sandwich - You Suck at Cooking (episode 79)
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    [♫]
    The toasted tomato sandwich brings us back to a simpler time.
    A time before smart phones and satellites;
    A time before algebra and toilets.
    Back when things were easy.
    A time when character was built from hard work and hard knocks.
    Out in the country, where tomatoes come from.
    And that's where this sandwich begins:
    In a field, with the simple tomato.
    If you've never had a freshly picked field tomato,
    well you're missing out.
    And if you don't have a field with tomatoes growing in it,
    you can get them at a roadside stand.
    Next thing you'll need is whole wheat bread
    which starts with whole wheat.
    Wrap some up inside burlap
    and leave it under the strong crisp light of the moon for three lonely nights.
    [CRICKETS]
    Tie up the end then sell it to your neighbor as a pillow.
    Then use that money to buy a loaf of whole wheat bread
    that you can call your own.
    Now take that bread, fix it to a skewer,
    and under the light of the hot afternoon Sun,
    gingerly place it into your
    500 watt galvanized steel nichrome wire lateral current low impedance split phase omnidirectional quad voltage wide arc triple coil toasting machine.
    Powered by an 8,000 horsepower truck.
    And plunge it all the way down, until your toast is golden
    from the power of heat and fresh country air.
    [INHALE]
    Now spread that toast with full fat mayo,
    squeezed from the thostle of a Hercules plant,
    until it's exactly a quarter of a half inch thick.
    Slice your Tomatoes with a freshly sharpened blade,
    forged from a hunk of carbon stainless meteorite iron.
    Then lay them on with care
    at dawn.
    Wander on down to a nearby saltwater stream
    and collect one of Earth's most precious minerals:
    Rhodium.
    And trade it for an equal amount of salt.
    Then sprinkle that onto the tomatoes.
    Harvest fresh peppercorns, then smash them
    with your spike and rail.
    And spread them onto the sandwich generously
    Put the second piece of mayonnaise slathered toast on top,
    and slice your toasted tomato sandwich into
    two 3-point-allelograms, while quietly acknowledging
    the presence of the Illuminati.
    th̕e͘ ̷prese͟nce ̸of̸ ͞th͘e ̛I̧l͜lumin̕a̷t̛i.̀
    th͟e͝ ̀pres̨en͢ce̴ ͟of ̴t͏h͞e I̵l͢l҉umi̧nati̸.
    th̕͜e ́͝p҉̶r̶̀̕e͠ş͠enc͠e̴͜ ̶ǫ͞͡f́͟͜ ͘thę̴ ͞I̵̡l̕͘l̢u̷͜m͏in͟͠à̢t̢i̵̶.̛
    t̶̢̡͜ḩ̀è̷͘ ̢̛͘ṕ̷͘ŕ̵e̕͟͏s̷̡̛e҉̨n̡͏̶ć̛e̸̢̛͠ ̶̧͟͝o҉͜f̡͜ ̷̕͜͢ţ̵́͟h̀e͏̶̛́͠ ̡̨́͠I̶̛҉l̸̢͡l̴̀͘͝͠ù̡̢̀͢ḿ̀͟i̷͟͠n̨̕̕͟͠a̷̵͞t̷҉̵̡͡i̵͡͝͏.̴͘
    Then take your sandwich out into the yard,
    into the corn, then through the woods,
    down a lonely road, and across the beans.
    Out into the country where the bales lay still,
    and take a quiet moment to recognize
    that your toasted tomato sandwich
    has become soggy.
    That you should have eaten it immediately
    when the toast was crisp.
    But you had to walk around like a show-off,
    and now you're paying the price.
    Tell yourself you'll do better next time.
    Out here in the country.
    Where tomatoes come from.
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