Weekend Update on Trump Securing Release of American Prisoners - SNL

Weekend Update on Trump Securing Release of American Prisoners - SNL
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    ♪♪♪ >> Announcer: IT'S "WEEKEND
    UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
    [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> THANK YOU.
    GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. >> WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE.
    I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> AND I'M COLIN JOST.
    >> YOU KNOW? I GOTTA SAY, PRESIDENT TRUMP HAD
    HE HELPED SECURE THE RELEASE OF THREE AMERICAN PRISONERS AND HE
    DIDN'T EVEN SAY I THOUGHT THEY WERE AMERICANS.
    TRUMP BRAGGED THAT HIM GREETING THE PRISONERS WAS THE HIGHEST
    EVER TELEVISION RATINGS FOR 3:00 IN THE MORNING.
    WHICH IS NOT TRUE. IT WAS SET ON ELECTION NIGHT BY
    LIBERALS HOPING THEY WERE BEING PRANKED.
    >> I MEAN SURE. THIS HAS BEEN A DECENT WEEK FOR
    DONALD TRUMP. THE SAME WAY A DECENT DATE WITH
    R. KELLY IS TO GO HOME DRY. [ AUDIENCE OOHS ]
    PERSONALLY, I DON'T LIKE WHEN TRUMP IS THIS QUIET.
    IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU ARE BABYSITTING A TODDLER AND IT'S
    BEEN QUIET FOR LIKE 30 MINUTES. AND YOU ARE LIKE, "OH, NO.
    HE'S EATING OUT OF THAT LITTER BOX AGAIN.
    >> ACCORDING TO A REPORT MICHAEL COHEN WAS PAID $600,000 AND HE
    COULD NOT BE REACHED FOR COMMENT BECAUSE THEY WERE USING AT&T.
    >> THEY WERE PAYING THIS GUY FOR INTELLIGENCE.
    HE'S LIKE IF THE WORD DER BECAME A PERSON.
    HE NAMED HIS SHELL COMPANY ESSENTIAL CONSULTANTS WHICH
    COULD NOT SOUND MORE FAKE. IT'S LIKE A PLACE GEORGE
    COSTANZA WOULD PRETEND TO WORK AT.
    TRUMP SAID ROB INSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE IS A MADE UP PHONY
    CRIME. THE CRIME YOU ARE ACCUSED OF?
    WHEN IT COMES TO IMMIGRATION, HE IS LIKE THE LAW IS THE LAW.
    WHEN IT COMES TO HIMSELF, HE WAS LIKE LAWS ARE NOT REAL.
    THEY ARE STORIES WE MAKE UP TO SCARE POOR PEOPLE.
    >> PRESIDENT TRUMP ANNOUNCED HE WOULD BE WITHDRAWING FROM THE
    IRAN NUCLEAR DEAL. I'M NOT GOING TO PRETEND I KNOW
    ANYTHING ABOUT THE IRAN DEAL, BUT TRUMP IS.
    YOU KNOW THE ONLY PART OF THAT DEAL TRUMP READ WAS THE
    SIGNATURE ON THE BOTTOM THAT SAID BARACK OBAMA.
    THAT'S ALL HE NEEDED. HE IS UNDOING SO MUCH OF OBAMA'S
    WORK HE IS GOING TO START FADING AWAY LIKE BACK TO THE FUTURE.
    >> RUDY GIULIANI IS GOING TO BECOME PRESIDENT TRUMP'S
    ATTORNEY FULL TIME AND THE FIRST TASK IS TO UNDO THE DAMAGE HE
    DID PART-TIME. >> UNDOCUMENTED PARENTS WOULD BE
    SEPARATED FROM THEIR CHILDREN UNLESS THEY CAN GUESS HIS REAL
    NAME IS RUMPLE STILT SKIN. >> FIRST LADY MELANIA TRUMP OR
    SEXY ASS MICHAEL JACKSON LAUNCHED THE CAMPAIGN BE BEST.
    LIKE IT WOULD BE BEST IF YOU GOT A DIVORCE.
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