Bernie Sanders 2020 Slogans, Meghan Markle and Angela Merkel - Monologue

Bernie Sanders 2020 Slogans, Meghan Markle and Angela Merkel - Monologue
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    -This is going viral. I don't know if you saw this.
    There's a big nationwide debate
    over whether this audio clip someone posted online...
    [ Light laughter ] saying "Yanny" or "Laurel."
    And it's the same track, but listen.
    It's the word. Nothing's changed.
    Listen to this.
    -Laurel! -[ Scattered ] "Yanny!"
    -It seems like everyone's talking about it.
    Take a look at this.
    -Good morning, everybody. Welcome to "Today"
    on a Wednesday morning, and it's Yanny.
    -How do you hear Laurel? It's so --
    -Wait, you hear Yanny? -I hear Yanny.
    -She hears Yanny, I hear Laurel.
    My producer in my ear hears Laurel.
    -It's definitely, definitely, definitely Yanny.
    -Yeah. [ Laughter ]
    Some say it's Yanny, some say it's Laurel,
    and everyone says they're just happy to talk about something
    other than Trump. [ Cheers and applause ]
    They go, "Finally! Who cares? It's fun.
    Yanny, Laurel, we don't --"
    [ Applause ]
    Let's talk about Trump now. [ Laughter ]
    Today, over 2,000 pages of testimony were released
    about the 2016 meeting between Donald Trump, Jr.,
    and a Russian lawyer.
    The President heard it and was like,
    "You lost me at 2,000 pages. [ Laughter ]
    And lost me again at Don, Jr."
    [ Laughter and applause ]
    But in the documents -- in the documents,
    Don Jr. admits he can't remember if he discussed
    the Russia investigation with his dad.
    Meanwhile, his dad admits he can't remember
    which one is Eric and which one is Don Jr.
    [ Laughter and applause ]
    This is big. There's talk that Kim Jong-un
    might back out of his meeting with President Trump.
    When asked why, Kim said, "'Cause Trump hears 'Yanny'
    and I hear 'Laurel'."
    That's why he's doing it. [ Laughter and applause ]
    -That's not good at all.
    -Kim Jong-un might cancel his meeting with Trump,
    where they were supposed to discuss
    North Korea's nuclear weapons.
    Trump was like, "How could someone
    just pull out of a nuclear agreement?"
    And Iran was like, "I know, it's crazy, right?"
    [ Laughter and applause ]
    And get this. Bernie Sanders' former campaign manager
    said he might run for President again in 2020.
    [ Cheers and applause ]
    In fact, they've already come up
    with some new campaign slogans for him.
    Check it out. For example,
    there's "Bernie 2020, Make America Yell Again."
    [ Laughter ]
    Then there's "Bernie 2020, Go Old or Go Home!"
    [ Laughter ]
    And finally there's "Bernie 2020,
    It's Either Me or Him Again!" [ Laughter and applause ]
    Those sound pretty good to me. It's not bad.
    [ Applause ]
    Guys, the royal wedding is just three days away!
    Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! [ Cheers and applause ]
    That's right, which means in just three days
    the world will finally get to see the Queen
    do the electric slide.
    It's just, um...
    ♪♪♪♪ [ Laughter ]
    [ Cheering ]
    Actually, Dunkin' Donuts is celebrating the royal wedding
    by offering a heart-shaped doughnut.
    Chili's is offering special burger-inspired hats.
    [ Laughter ]
    Which explains our new slogan,
    "America -- We Don't Understand Royalty."
    It's like, burger hat? I guess so.
    Oh, this is nice.
    I read that German Chancellor Angela Merkel
    might attend the royal wedding.
    I think you know what that means.
    It's time for "Meghan Markle, Angela Merkel." Here you go.
    -♪♪ Meghan Markle ♪♪
    ♪♪ Angela Merkel ♪♪
    ♪♪ Meghan Markle ♪♪
    ♪♪ Angela Merkel ♪♪
    ♪♪ Markle pours a beer Merkel holds the beer ♪♪
    ♪♪ Markle's sincere Merkel holds her ear ♪♪
    ♪♪ Well dressed, car rest Impressed, possessed ♪♪
    ♪♪ Markle's gonna marry him ♪♪
    ♪♪ Merkel aquarium ♪♪
    ♪♪ Meghan getting cozy ♪♪
    ♪♪ Angela emoji ♪♪
    ♪♪ Markle, Merkel Merkel, Markle ♪♪
    ♪♪ Barker, Merkel Urkel, Aquarium ♪♪
    [ Laughter ] -Wow.
    [ Cheers and applause ]
    -Urkel. -Bob Barker.
    -Bob Barker and Urkel.
    -A little Bob Barker cameo, yeah.
    Guys, I heard about a restaurant in New York
    that's now serving hummus smoothies.
    [ Audience oohs ] [ Laughter ]
    They're actually zero calories
    because you suck so hard on the straw, you pass out.
    It's uh... [ Laughter ]
    [ Pops ] [ Applause ]
    And finally, a new survey found that Green Bay, Wisconsin,
    is the drunkest city in the U.S.
    [ Cheering ]
    You can tell, 'cause no one in Green Bay
    remembers answering that survey.
    You guys, we have a great show tonight.
    Give it up for The Roots!
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