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How to Communicate Emotion | Renée Riley-Adams

How to Communicate Emotion | Renée Riley-Adams
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    ("Twilight Over Kashmir" by Jeff Pevar)
    - How satisfied are you with your ability
    to express your emotions?
    Do you often find yourself feeling misunderstood
    by people you truly care about?
    I'm Renee Riley-Adams and today I'm going to give you
    a few tips that will help you express what you really
    are feeling and to connect with the people you love.
    People often mix up emotions and thoughts in communication.
    They say I feel and then mix in a thought,
    belief, or judgment.
    For instance, I might say I feel that he's
    just not doing a good job.
    By saying I feel plus the word that,
    I'm actually expressing a judgment.
    It sounds like a feeling because I start with words I feel
    but it is a thought in disguise.
    Anytime you hear someone say I feel that,
    or I feel like, it is usually a thought or a judgment.
    Let's listen to that sentence again.
    I feel that he's just not doing a good job.
    I'm thinking he's not doing a good job.
    How might I feel about this thought?
    Well, if I'm his supervisor I might feel angry
    because I think the job that he is doing
    might reflect poorly on me.
    Or if the person who is doing the bad job is my son,
    I might feel sad for him or I might feel afraid
    that he's going to get fired.
    Instead of saying I feel that or I feel like,
    simply say I feel,
    followed directly by the emotion you are feeling.
    I guarantee that your communication
    will be a lot cleaner.
    People will understand you better
    and feel more connected to you
    if they hear you expressing your emotions
    rather than your judgments or thoughts.
    Emotions are the bridge to understanding each other
    as human beings.
    We share common emotions with others
    and when we recognize these emotions in another,
    we can relate to them more easily.
    We feel more connected.
    Sometimes it's difficult to know what you're feeling.
    When I first started doing this kind of work,
    I had to get used to describing my emotions.
    I was more used to thinking I felt good or bad.
    As I learned more, though, about describing each emotion
    I would imagine myself on a game show
    with the show host saying something like,
    and now it's time for name that emotion!
    I have found two things helpful
    in being able to describe emotions.
    The first is to start with what is known as The Big Five.
    The Big Five are Mad, Sad, Glad, Bad, and Fear.
    These are easy to remember of course because they all rhyme
    except for fear, and bad is actually another word for shame.
    Most people don't actually say they feel shameful,
    they usually just know or say they feel bad.
    The researcher Brene Brown is very popular right now
    and has several videos and books about shame.
    In particular, I recommend her TED Talk,
    the power of vulnerability or there is a short funny
    YouTube video she has done on blame.
    Of course many words can describe
    the same basic emotion.
    Someone who is feeling fear for instance,
    they might also say they're feeling insecure or anxious,
    confused, rejected.
    I suggest finding what we call an emotions wheel
    in Google Images.
    There are many versions of this coaching tool
    that will come up.
    Just choose the one you want and print it out.
    Or you can go to my blog at
    and download an example there.
    I often recommend that my clients spend five to 10 minutes
    each evening looking over the emotions wheel
    to notice what emotions they have felt throughout the day.
    It's interesting to see what your emotional backdrop is.
    See what emotions you feel on a regular basis
    and get curious about all the other emotions out there
    just waiting to be felt and expressed.
    Maybe you want more joy in your life
    or to feel more energetic or creative.
    The last thing I would say when communicating your emotions
    to another person is to be aware of when you use words
    that end in the letters ED.
    When you say to another person that you've felt
    blamed, disappointed, or judged,
    it's a bit like throwing gasoline on a fire.
    These words are charged.
    If I say I'm feeling blamed or judged for instance,
    I'm probably thinking that the person I'm speaking to
    is the one blaming or judging me.
    I might as well be screaming at them, you're blaming me!
    And if I did that, I doubt the person would feel
    very warm towards me.
    I'll get a much better response if I tell that person
    I'm feeling hurt or upset.
    Or if someone says they feel disappointed, think about it.
    When someone feels disappointed there is always someone
    doing the disappointing or a disappointee.
    All of these words that end in ED are most likely thoughts
    and if you dig a little deeper, you will see
    that there's an emotion underneath the judgment or belief.
    I know I feel closer to people when I express my emotions
    rather than my thoughts and judgments.
    When I watch debates on television where people
    are trying to convince or cajole the other person,
    I rarely see people feeling closer.
    Simple changes in language can make a big difference
    and allow you to connect with others
    in a way that is harmonious and empowering.
    As you experiment with these techniques,
    be patient and forgiving with yourself.
    Communication is a practice and an art
    that we all get to keep learning about
    until the day we take our last breath.
    There are a lot of people out there
    who will be happy to tell you
    if you are communicating effectively, just ask.
    If you have enjoyed this video,
    I invite you to subscribe to my YouTube channel.
    I create videos to help you connect with those you love,
    strengthen your relationships, and ask for what you want.
    Just click on the subscribe button to receive
    future videos or watch a video I've done in the past.
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