Why Matt Lauer Wasn't On 'Today' Today

Why Matt Lauer Wasn't On 'Today' Today
    LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
    I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT, I AM ONE OF THE FEW MONEY STILL
    ALLOWED ON TELEVISION BECAUSE TODAY MATT LAUER WAS IS
    LET GO FROM NBC'S MORNING SHOW, THE "TODAY' SHOW, THIS MORNING,
    TODAY.
    ACCORDING TO THE CHAIRMAN OF NBC NEWS, LAUER WAS FIRED DUE TO
    "INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL BEHAVIOR IN THE WORKPLACE."
    NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH "APPROPRIATE" SEXUAL BEHAVIOR IN
    THE WORKPLACE.
    BECAUSE THAT DOES NOT EXIST.
    ( LAUGHTER ) WE SHOULD HAVE SEEN THAT LAUER
    HAD A STRANGE OBSESSION WITH WOMEN.
    I MEAN, JUST LOOK AT ANY OF HIS ACTUAL HALLOWEEN COSTUMES.
    DOLLY PARTON, "BAYWATCH" BABE, PARIS HILTON, AND LUCY FROM
    PEANUTS.
    GOOD GRIEF.
    AFTER LOOKING AT THOSE PHOTOS, I THINK HE COULD HAVE BEEN FIRED
    FOR SEXUALLY HARASSING HIMSELF.
    BUT HE WASN'T, BECAUSE WE HAVE SOME DETAILS, AND THEY ARE NOT
    GREAT.
    TURNS OUT, LAUER ONCE GAVE A COLLEAGUE A SEX TOY AS A
    PRESENT.
    IT INCLUDED AN EXPLICIT NOTE ABOUT HOW HE WANTED TO USE IT ON
    HER.
    IT'S BAD ENOUGH THAT HE GAVE HER A SEX TOY, BUT HE ALSO GAVE
    INSTRUCTIONS?
    HE FOUND A WAY TO MANSPLAIN SEXUAL HARASSMENT!
    ( LAUGHTER ) "YOU'RE DOING THAT WRONG!
    LET ME GET IN THERE."
    ( LAUGHTER ) "THIS IS WHY YOU LIKE WHAT I'M
    DOING."
    ( LAUGHTER ) AND IT DOESN'T STOP THERE.
    ON ANOTHER DAY, HE SUMMONED A DIFFERENT FEMALE EMPLOYEE TO HIS
    OFFICE AND THEN DROPPED HIS PANTS, SHOWING HER HIS PENIS.
    AFTER THE EMPLOYEE DECLINED TO DO ANYTHING, VISIBLY SHAKEN, HE
    REPRIMANDED HER FOR NOT ENGAGING IN A SEXUAL ACT.
    I'M GOING TO SAY WHAT THAT WOMAN HONESTLY COULD NOT AT THE MOMENT
    "WHAT A DICK."
    ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE DON'T HAVE TO BLUR THAT, DO
    WE?
    WE DON'T HAVE TO BLUR THAT.
    WE DON'T HAVE TO BLUR THAT.
    THIS MORNING, HODA KOTB AND SAVANNAH GUTHRIE HAD TO ANNOUNCE
    LAUER'S DEPARTURE ON THE "TODAY" SHOW, WHICH MUST HAVE BEEN
    AWKWARD FOR THEM, AND EVEN MORE AWKWARD FOR THE FANS OUTSIDE THE
    WINDOW.
    WOOO!
    GO HAWKS!
    WHERE'S MATT?
    WHY'S EVERYBODY SO SAD IN THERE?
    KAREN, WILL YOU MARRY ME?" KAREN, LOOK AT MY PENIS!
    ( LAUGHTER ) IT WAS THE THEME.
    IT WAS THE THEME OF THE MORNING.
    WHILE THE NEWS ABOUT LAUER IS SHOCKING, THERE WERE SOME HINTS,
    LIKE THIS 2012 INTERVIEW BETWEEN KATIE COURIC AND ANDY COHEN.
    >> YOU COHOSTED THE "TODAY" SHOW WITH MATT LAUER FOR 15 YEARS.
    WHAT IS MATT'S MOST ANNOYING HABIT?
    >> HMMM... HE PINCHES ME ON THE ASS A LOT.
    >> Audience: OOOOH!
    >> Stephen: WELL, THAT CERTAINLY EXPLAINS THEIR OLD REOCCURRING
    SEGMENT, "WHERE IN THE WORLD ARE MATT LAUER'S HANDS?"
    YOU( LAUGHTER )
    DONALD TRUMP WEIGHED IN ON THE LAUER STORY TWEETING, "WOW."
    WAIT A MINUTE, "WOW"?
    I'M STILL NOT USED TO A PRESIDENT TYPING THE WORD "WOW."
    THAT'S LIKE IF THE FIRST DRAFT OF THE GETTYSBURG ADDRESS WAS
    "HOLY GUACAMOLE, THIS WAR SUCKS."
    WOW.
    WOW.
    ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BACK TO TRUMPS TWEET:
    "WOW, MATT LAUER JUST FIRED FROM NBC FOR 'INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL
    BEHAVIOR IN THE WORKPLACE.' BUT WHEN WILL THE TOP EXECUTIVES
    AT NBC AND COMCAST BE FIRED FOR PUTTING OUT SO MUCH FAKE NEWS."
    BY "FAKE NEWS" DO YOU MEAN, "MORE THAN A DOZEN WOMEN HAVE
    ACCUSED TRUMP OF IMPROPER CONDUCT OR SEXUAL ASSAULT."
    ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IS THAT WHAT YOU MEAN BY "FAKE
    NEWS?" LISTEN UP!
    YOU DON'T GET TO COMMENT!
    THAT IS THE POT CALLING THE KETTLE AT 3:00 A.M. AND ASKING
    WHAT SHE'S WEARING.
    PLUS, REMEMBER THE WHOLE BILLY BUSH BUS THING?
    TURNS OUT, IN PRIVATE, TRUMP'S TOLD MULTIPLE PEOPLE THAT IT MAY
    NOT HAVE BEEN HIM ON THE TAPE AFTER ALL.
    AND "WE DON'T THINK THAT WAS MY VOICE."
    QUICK TIP: IF YOU'RE GOING TO SAY SOMETHING THAT'S ALREADY
    CRAZY, DON'T REFER TO YOURSELF AS "WE."
    "ALL THE VOICES IN OUR HEAD TELL US THAT'S NOT OUR VOICE."
    WHAT'S THAT?
    YEAH, THEY AGREE WITH ME.
    ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHAT?
    QUIET.
    THEY'RE SO LOUD.
    THEY'RE SO-- THEY REPEAT THEMSELVES, BUT, LORD, THEY'RE
    LOUD."
    BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, LET'S TAKE HIM AT HIS WORD.
    HE'S THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
    MAYBE IT WASN'T HIM >> Stephen: WHEN YOU LISTEN TO
    IT AGAIN, IT CAN'T BE HIM BECAUSE ANYBODY WHO SAID THAT
    WOULDN'T GET ELECTED PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
    HE'S GOT TO BE INNOCENT THERE'S NO TWO WAYS ABOUT IT.
    >> Jon: WOW!
    >> Stephen: CAN'T HAVE BOTH.
    AND I GUESS THIS CAN'T BE TRUMP, EITHER.
    >> I SAID IT.
    I WAS WRONG, AND I APOLOGIZE.
    >> Stephen: ADMITTING HE WAS WRONG AND APOLOGIZED IN THE SAME
    SENTENCE.
    THE ONLY WAY IT COULD HAVE BEEN MORE UN-TRUMP IS IF HE SAID IT
    WHILE EATING A VEGETABLE.
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