Scary White House Xmas Decorations, Smartphone Engagement Ring Box - Monologue

Scary White House Xmas Decorations, Smartphone Engagement Ring Box - Monologue
    -Let's get to what people are talking about here.
    A little drama out of Washington today.
    Surprise. [ Laughter ]
    Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi canceled their meeting
    with President Trump after he attacked them on Twitter.
    Then Trump was like, "Does this mean I can stay in my pajamas?"
    [ Laughter ]
    "Bring me the footie ones.
    Baby got size eight."
    [ Laughter ]
    After he referred to her as "Pocahontas" yesterday,
    Elizabeth Warren said it's unfortunate Trump can't make it
    through a ceremony without using a racial slur.
    And his aide said, "Seriously?
    He can't make it through an episode of 'Dora'
    without using a racial slur."
    [ Laughter and applause ]
    What are you talking about?
    -"Bring out the backpack. That's my favorite."
    [ Laughter ]
    Meanwhile, I read that Trump
    lied about his own heritage for decades,
    claiming that his family was Swedish to help sell apartments.
    And he's still claiming that he's Swedish
    so IKEA will build his wall. -Really?
    [ Laughter and applause ]
    -"Put the florgun next to the flugen.
    Save me a meatball." [ Laughter ]
    It's been rough for the President.
    In fact, his first wife Ivana
    says he really misses his old life.
    You remember Trump's old life.
    It's where he played golf, watched "Fox & Friends,"
    and sent crazy tweets all day.
    Yeah, his old life. He misses that.
    He misses his old life. [ Applause ]
    But get this.
    I read that the White House may ban staffers
    from using their smartphones while at work.
    In related news, President Trump just resigned from office.
    "That's it. I quit. That is finally enough."
    [ Cheers and applause ]
    But this is very nice.
    The White House just unveiled its holiday display,
    and it has a nativity scene,
    marking the first time all year
    there's been wise men at the White House.
    [ Laughter ]
    -Hey-oh! Ho!
    -Now, this is going viral.
    A White House staffer tweeted out a photo
    of one of the hallways of the White House
    after it was officially decorated for Christmas.
    And people noticed that it looks a little scary.
    Check this out. This is a real photo.
    -Oh, my gosh.
    -I guess the Trumps like it,
    because they're actually using that picture
    for their Christmas card this year.
    -Really? -Yeah, and they're going to
    figure out the right words to go with it.
    I'll show you what I mean. So far they're considering...
    "Merry Christmas.
    We're just two identical twins on tricycles away
    from being the scariest thing you have ever seen."
    -Wow. [ Laughter and applause ]
    Red rum. [ Laughter ]
    -They're also considering "Merry Christmas.
    Wishing your family the opposite of whatever this is."
    [ Laughter and applause ]
    I don't know why that --
    and finally there's "Merry Christmas.
    This is what 'Frozen on Broadway'
    looks like in the upside-down."
    They're in the holiday spirit. [ Applause ]
    Of course, another big story
    is that Prince Harry is engaged to Meghan Markle.
    [ Cheers and applause ]
    That's right.
    And it was announced
    that they'll marry at Windsor Castle this May.
    That's right.
    Right now every bride is asking,
    "Wow, how did they get a venue so quick?"
    [ Laughter and applause ]
    Did you hear about this thing?
    There's a new iPhone case called the RokShok
    that's actually a secret engagement-ring box
    so that you can propose and record the reaction.
    Here's a quick video showing how it works.
    Look at this.
    [ Laughter ]
    Pretty interesting there.
    I think there are a few flaws that they have to work out
    because check out their latest commercial.
    Watch this.
    -Introducing RokShok,
    the cellphone case with a built-in ring box.
    Now when you get down on one knee to propose,
    you can cherish your fiancée's reaction forever.
    [ Laughter ]
    Never forget the beautiful moment she said "I do."
    And share it with everyone on social media.
    RokShok, the best moment from the worst angle.
    [ Laughter and applause ]
    -The best moment from the worst angle. Oh, my gosh.
    [ Applause ]
    Let's get to some sports.
    Last night, the Houston Texans
    had a tough loss to the Baltimore Ravens.
    And the Texans quarterback, Tom Savage,
    decided to keep things pretty brief at his press conference.
    Take a look at this.
    -We good?
    [ Laughter and applause ]
    -In related news,
    he was just named Trump's new press secretary.
    "No questions? We good?"
    [ Applause ]
    Finally, you guys, some big TV news.
    MTV is bringing back "Jersey Shore" next year
    with the original cast. [ Cheers and applause ]
    Just what this country needs -- more loud, orange people on TV.
    We have a great show tonight. Give it up for The Roots!
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