Paul Mecurio Didn't Want To Know His Baby's Gender

Paul Mecurio Didn't Want To Know His Baby's Gender
    >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
    FOLKS, MY NEXT GUEST IS A COMEDIAN, A DEAR FRIEND AND HOST
    OF "THE PAUL MECURIO SHOW."
    PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW,"" PAUL MECURIO.
    ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( APPLAUSE )
    >> ALL RIGHT.
    ALL RIGHT, THANKS.
    I-- I HAVE A KID.
    AND SOME PARENTS OUT THERE MAY RELATE TO THIS.
    WHEN MY WIFE WAS PREGNANT, WE NOTICED THAT PEOPLE GET INTO
    YOUR PERSONAL BUSINESS ABOUT HOW YOU'RE GOING TO RAISE YOUR KID.
    LIKE, WE DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW THE SEX OF THE BABY.
    WE WANTED TO BE SURPRISED.
    AND WE WOULD TELL PEOPLE AND THEY WOULD SAY, "WHAT ARE YOU
    CRAZY?
    YOU HAVE TO KNOW THE SEX OF THE BABY.
    YOU HAVE TO GET THE ROOM READY.
    IT HAS TO BE PINK IF IT'S A GIRL, BLUE IF IT'S A BOY."
    THE ROOM, THE ROOM, THE ROOM.
    WE LIVE IN A STUDIO APARTMENT.
    THE ROOM'S READY.
    UP TO THE SEE THE BABY'S ROOM?
    WE'RE IN THE BABY'S ROOM NOW.
    I DECORATED IT WITH A BALLOON.
    ( LAUGHTER ) NOW, THIS IS THE PART WHEN YOU
    HAVE A KID WHERE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SAY, "IT'S THE BEST THING
    THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME."
    NOT SO MUCH.
    THAT'S A PARENT LAUGHING RIGHT THERE.
    YOU HEAR IT?
    I MEAN, YOU LOVE THEM, BUT THERE ARE SOME DAYS YOU WISH HE'D WALK
    INTO THE WOODS AND NEVER COME BACK.
    ( LAUGHTER ) HAD A BASEBALL TOURNAMENT, MY
    WIFE IS LIKE, "YOU GO," 10 YEARS OLD.
    FATHER-SON BONDING WEEKEND.
    AND AT THE END OF THE WEEKEND, IT HIT ME EYE DON'T REALLY CARE
    FOR THE KID BECAUSE EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY IT'S THEIR STUFF.
    WE'RE IN A HOTEL, HE WANTAISE GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH.
    HE WANTS TO WATCH A MOVIE.
    HE WANTS TO GO IN THE POOL.
    HE'S IN THE POOL.
    HE'S OUT OF THE POOL.
    HE'S IN THE POOL.
    HE'S OUT OF THE POOL.
    LIKE SOME MAIN ATTRACTION AT SEAWORLD.
    IT'S MY SATURDAY NIGHT, TOO.
    I WANT TO GO TO A STRIP CLUB AND HE COMPLAINS.
    "DADDY, THE LADY ON THE POLE SCARES ME.
    THIS JACK DANIEL'S IS BURNING MY THROAT.
    YOU CALL THAT WEED?" I DON'T-- YOU KNOW.
    ( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
    HAVE-- HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT BUSINESSES WANT US TO DO THEIR
    JOB NOW?
    LIKE, THERE'S NO CUSTOMER SERVICE ANYMORE?
    I'M CONSTANTLY NEGOTIATING FOR BAGS IN MY LIFE.
    I'M IN THE MARKET LAST WEEK, I HAVE EIGHT ITEMS ON THE BELT-- I
    ACTUALLY HAD THIS CONVERSATION.
    THE GUY GOES TO ME, "YOU WANT A BAG FOR THOSE?"
    I'M LIKE, "YEAH."
    HE GOES, "REALLY?" I'M LIKE, "YEAH."
    HE GOES, "YOU WANT A BAG.
    IT'S EIGHT ITEMS.
    YOU WANT A BAG.
    IT'S EIGHT LOOSE ITEMS.
    YOU WANT A BAG?
    NO, INSTEAD GIVE ME AN OCTOPUS, HE'LL CARRY IT ALL HOME.
    HE SAID YOU COULD SELL THE BAG.
    YOU COULD SELL THE CHECKOUT.
    OKAY, I'M GOING TO NEED THE EMPLOYEE DISCOUNT CODE.
    HE GOES, "WHY, ARE YOU AN EMPLOYEE?"
    I GO, "APPARENTLY I AM NOW."
    ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I MEAN-- THAT'S NOT MY JOB.
    THAT'S THEIR JOB.
    WHAT'S NEXT?
    THEY SEND TOUT MEAT DEPARTMENT AND HAND YOU A SHOTGUN AND A
    LIVE COW AND TELL YOU TO GO AT IT?
    SEE, I HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING, OKAY.
    I BELIEVE IF YOU DON'T SAY SOMETHING, THINGS DON'T CHANGE,
    OKAY.
    SO OOIK LIME A HUMAN SPEED BUMP FOR YOU PEOPLE HERE, YOU PEOPLE
    AT HOME.
    IF SOMEBODY IS A JERK, I THINK THEY'RE GETTING CHEATED I SAY
    SOMETHING.
    MY WIFE IS LIKE LIFE'S TOO SHORT.
    LET IT GO.
    I CAN'T.
    I ALMOST GOT ARRESTED ON AMTRAK I GOT IN AN ARGUMENT WITH A
    CONDUCTOR.
    I PULLED MY PANTS DOWN AT 86t86th STREET IT'S NOT GOOD.
    I'M HAVING LUNCH ON THE EAST SIDE OF THE CITY.
    FOR THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW, EAST TO WEST, EYE LOT OF TRAFFIC,
    IT'S A PAIN TO DRIVE.
    THE GUY I'M HAVING LUNCH WITH HAS A SALD WITH GRILLED CHICKEN.
    I HAVE A SALAD WITH ONE SCOOP OF TUNA.
    YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THAT COSTS ME-- TWO ADDS, TWO COKES.
    $42?
    EXACTLY.
    I PAY IT GET IN THE CAB.
    WHY WAS IT $42.
    I KNOW I GOT SCREWED.
    IF I GOT SCREWED, EVERYBODY IS GETTING SCREWED.
    THE WOMAN IN THE RED HAT IS GETTING SCREWED.
    I HAVE TO CHANGE IT.
    THIS IS HOW MY BRAIN WORKS.
    I LOOK AT THE RECEIPT, AND SURE ENOUGH HE CHARGES ME $7 FOR ONE
    SCOOP OF TUNA.
    I'M THE GUY WHO HAS TO SPEAK TO THE MANAGER.
    I SAID, "WHY DID YOU CHARGE ME 7 BUCKS."
    HE SAID, I HAVE TO CHARGE LIKE IT'S A SANDWICH.
    I SAID IT WASN'T A SANDWICH, THERE IS NO LETTUCE, TOMATO.
    I SAID CHARGE IT LIKE IT WAS A CATERED BOUCHER FEY AND CHARGE
    ME 7,000.
    HE SAID I HAVE TO.
    I SAID WHAT IS THIS HAD TO?
    DID CONGRESS PASS TUNA LEGISLATION I MISSED.
    IT WASN'T EVEN A SCOOP OF TUNA.
    IT WAS A SCOOP OF TUNA WITH A HINT TUNA.
    I WANT $3 BACK ON MY SCOOP OF TUNA.
    I'LL GIVE YOU FOUR.
    I STEP OUT OF MYSELF AND HOFERLG ABOVE THE CONVERSATION.
    >> AND HEAR MYSELF GOING, NEGOTIATING OVER A SCOOP OF
    TUNA, AND I'M LIKE I GOTTA MOVE TO THE WOODS.
    I'VE GOT TO MOVE TO THE WOODS.
    EVER HAVE ONE OF THOSE MOMENTS, RIGHT?
    JUST FORGET IT.
    I CAN'T--( APPLAUSE )
    IT'S LIKE-- I CAN'T-- HE GOES, NO, SORRY, BUCKS THAT'S IT.
    I GO ARE YOU GOING TO CHARGE ME LIKE IT'S A SANDWICH.
    YUP?
    I WANT MY WHOLE SANDWICH.
    I GOT IN THE CAB AND WENT BACK, LETTUCE, TOMATO, PICK EXPEL TWO
    SWORDS THAT WENT IN THE SANDWICH.
    THE CAB DRIVE COST ME 30 BUCKS, BUT I PROVED MY POINT.
    THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
    >> Stephen: TO SEE HIM LIVE, CHECK paulmecurio.com FOR TOUR
    DATES. PAUL MECURIO, EVERYBODY!
    WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
    Jordan Peele Crashed A 'Get Out' College Course Roy Moore Still Has Robots On His Side A Trump-Nominated Judge Has Never Tried A Case Alia Shawkat Shares Old 'Donald Trump' Drawings Stephen Has A Drink For Trump... Or Tries To Stephen Takes Issue With The 'Sexiest Man Alive' Issue Trump Demands 'Thanks' From UCLA Basketball Donald Trump Jr. Wiki-Slides Into The DMs Liam Hemsworth: I Don't Put Shrimp On The Barbie Only Roy Moore Could Unite Stephen And Mitch McConnell

    Post a Comment