One Week Older, Trump Goes To Asia

One Week Older, Trump Goes To Asia
    >> Stephen: WE'VE COME TO MY FAVORITE PART OF EVERY WEEK IN
    THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION: THE END.
    NOW, LET'S LOOK BACK AT THE BEST MOMENTS FROM THIS WEEK'S "THE
    LATE SHOW."
    >> WE HAVE A NUCLEAR SUBMARINE, ALSO POSITIONED.
    WE HAVE MANY THINGS HAPPENING THAT WE HOPE, HE WOAP-- IN FACT,
    I'LL GO A STEP FURTHER-- WE HOPE TO GOD WE NEVER HAVE TO USE.
    >> Stephen: YES, "HOPE TO GOD" BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW GOD'S IN THE
    NUCLEAR CHAIN OF COMMAND.
    HE'S GOT THE OTHER KEY.
    THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT THE NUCLEAR TRIAD BECAUSE IT'S THE
    FATHER, THE SON AND THE HOLY (BLEEP).
    ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) PRESIDENT TRUMP IS STILL OFF ON
    HIS TRIP THROUGH ASIA.
    HE ARRIVED TODAY IN CHINA, ALTHOUGH HE KEPT CALLING IT
    THAILAND, BECAUSE IT'S WHERE THEY MAKE HIS TIES.
    ( LAUGHTER ).
    >> PRESIDENT XI AND I HAVE HAD SEVERAL CONVERSATIONS ABOUT OUR
    COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS.
    BEYOND, THAT WE TALK OFTEN.
    IT'S A VERY GOOD CHEMISTRY BETWEEN THE TWO OF US.
    ( LAUGHTER ).
    >> Stephen, OF COURSE.
    YEAH, NO.
    OF COURSE,, OF COURSE, THEY HAVE GOOD CHEMISTRY.
    THEY MET ON XIHARMONY.
    >> FEEDING THE COY IS A TIME-HONORED TRADITION MUCH LIKE
    THE JAPANESE TEA SERVICE WHEREAS THE MEDITATION OF THE MOVEMENT
    IS RESONANT (BLEEP).
    YEAH.
    SUCK ON IT, YOU FAT FISH!
    YEAH, THERE YOU GO.
    THERE YOU GO.
    >> EVERY SINGLE THING THAT'S HAPPENED PROBABLY IN THE LAST
    TWO YEARS OF OUR POLITICS, I WOULD HAVE BEEN SITTING IN THE
    WRITER'S ROOM SAYING, "NO, NO, THAT CAN'T HAPPEN."
    I WOULD HAVE SHOT DOWN EVERY ONE.
    YOU KNOW REALITY SHOW GUY RUNS FOR PRESIDENT.
    I'D GO, "NO, NO!
    IT CAN'T HAPPEN."
    YOU KNOW -- >> Stephen: WINS!
    >> SO GUESS WHAT THAT DOES?
    >> Stephen: WHAT?
    >> THAT DESTROYS DRAMA.
    FICTIONAL TELEVISION DRAMA ABOUT A WHITE HOUSE IS NOW DESTROYED
    BECAUSE THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NO GRAVITY TO IT.
    >> Stephen: IT'S PRETTY GOOD-- IT'S PRET PRETTY GOOD--
    LAWRENCE, IT'S PRETTY GOOD FOR COMEDY.
    >> IT'S VERY GOOD.
    >> Stephen: DONALD JR. WOKE UP THIS MORNING TO URGE PEOPLE TO
    GET THE VOTE OUT, BUT MAYBE HE SHOULD HAVE WAITED UNTIL HE HAD
    HIS MORN CUP OF HAIR GEL BECAUSE HE TWEETED:
    WHICH IS A FINE THING TO TWEET.
    EXCEPT THE ELECTION WAS TODAY NOT TOMORROW.
    #WHOOPSIE-DAISY.
    #TURNS OUT ERIC IS THE SMART ONE.
    >> YOU KNOW I HAVE A THEOR.
    DO YOU WANT TO HEAR IT?
    >> Stephen: YES.
    >> I THINK IF DOGS TALKED THEY WOULD ALL SOUND LIKE DAVE
    CHAPPELLE.
    "HOLD ON SON.
    WAIT A MINUTE, BABY!
    NOBODY COMES BACK HERE!
    I'M TIRED OF EATING SQUIRREL, SON!
    OH!" >> Stephen: WE MET BRIEFLY
    DURING REHEARSAL BECAUSE YOU WALKED OUT ON STAGE JUST TO SAY
    HI IN YOUR UNDERWEAR.
    AND -- >> Stephen: HEY!
    >> THE REASON I DID THAT WAS MY 15-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER, ELIZABETH,
    BEGGED ME NOT TO DO ANYTHING TO EMBARRASS THE FAMILY.
    >> YOU KNOW, STEPHEN, AS YOU KNOW I'LL BE HOSTED "NIGHT OF
    TOO MANY STARS" TO SUPPORT NEXT FOR AUTISM ON HBO.
    >> Stephen: THAT'S TRUE.
    >> IT WILL BE LIVE.
    CELEBRITIES ARE DONATING INCREDIBLE EXPERIENCES TO HELP
    RAISE EVEN MORE MONEY.
    FOR INSTANCE, STEPHEN COLBERT IS OFFERING AN INCREDIBLE
    OPPORTUNITY HERE AT "THE LATE " SHOW"."
    >> Stephen: YES, IT IS, AND I CAN'T WAIT TO FIND OUT.
    BUT I'M FEELING A LITTLE PARCHED AND I WANT TO GET A LITTLE SIP
    OF WATER HERE.
    PLEASE TELL ME WHAT I'M OFFERING.
    ( LAUGHTER ) >> ONE LUCKY WINNER IS GOING TO
    SPEND AN ENTIRE EPISODE OF "THE LATE SHOW""...
    ( LAUGHTER ) UNDER YOUR DESK.
    ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT
    BACK.
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